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Originally published for Mother's Day 2004
by Todd Brown

It's Mother's Day, and I've been reflecting on my own mother. After watching Y&R I've come to the conclusion that I had a very bad mother indeed. By Genoa City standards, it seems obvious the woman never cared for me at all.

My mother couldn't be bothered to steal someone else's sperm to impregnate herself with me, thus denying me my rightful inheritance of several million dollars. Instead the lazy woman simply had a child with her own husband. As if that in itself were not enough of a slap in the face, it was her FIRST and ONLY husband. What colossal gall. She couldn't even muster the energy to work her way through four or five husbands before having kids. No, she just married one guy and stuck with him. As a result I have no stepfathers to this day. No one to turn to, no one to look up to except for that one measly dad in my hours of need.

The woman also deprived me of having several unheard of siblings. At every corner I turn I hope against hope to bump into my long lost brothers and/or sisters, a result of an illegitimate affair, given up for adoption in shame, but none exist because my mother was so thoughtless and so wrapped up in her own life she couldn't be bothered to sling her knockers into a tight halter top, squeeze into a tight black skirt with a slit up the side and a pair of party pumps and sashay her ass around town looking for other men. What a selfish bitch.

Nor did the woman care enough about me to provide me with a nanny or a butler. No one to raise me, no one to wash my clothes, no one to drive me to school, no one to help me with my homework. My mother was such a tightwad she did all of those things herself. If that isn't selfish I don't know what is.

You think that's bad? Oh wait, there's more. My mother, that selfish skinflint, wouldn't even shell out the dough to send me off to a Swiss boarding school so that I could go from six to sixteen in a year. I was forced to suffer through the pain and humiliation of aging only one year every single year of my life. By the time I was twelve most of my friends were twenty nine. It was so embarrassing. They would point at me and laugh and make fun of me because my mother wouldn't spend the money to send me away. That whore forced me to age normally and I will never forgive her for that.

She just didn't care about me. She never fought for me in a custody battle. That's because she was so lazy and so damn unaware she never found someone to try to take me away from her. Because of her selfishness no one ever gave a damn where I lived. There were no adults clamoring to take me away from her or even demand visitation rights. No extra daddies or mommies demanding to be part of my life. She couldn't even lift a finger to put my custody in jeopardy. She was too damn busy dusting and vacuuming and cooking meals. Because she had no servants. NO SERVANTS! Can you believe such an atrocity? More