I hope the next time Nikki gets married, she does
her homework first. Waiting until after the wedding
to hear about the demise of your new husband's first
three wives isn't exactly what I'd call covering
your bases. It's not as if Nikki is new to the
marriage game, she's been married about 47 times.
And she already had her doubts about David after
finding out about his gambling problem.
It should therefore be a law that everyone has to
stop saying how smart Nikki is. The ex-stripper, who
derailed her senate campaign by cheating on her
husband with her campaign manager, which was caught
on hidden camera and broadcast over the Internet, is
by the very definition of the word, not smart.
As if there were any need, further evidence of this
points to the hiring of Heather as a legal counsel
for Jabot. Heather is batting about 0 for 10 right
about now, failing to win any of her cases as an
assistant district attorney, failing to even make an
arrest in the still unsolved murder of Ji Min,
failing to identify her current lover as her
adversary in her newest case, and failing to win a
judgment in her company's favor in what should have
been, by all accounts, a slam dunk. Heather's losing
streak is about on par with David Chow's.
To be fair, in the last two cases Heather was placed
into the always untenable position of going up
against Victor Newman, who hasn't lost anything
since 1973. He can lock people up in his basement,
commit mail fraud and turn people out of their homes
but he always winds up on top. Which is why he
remains after 28 years the most uninteresting
character the show has ever seen. Whatever edict
dictates that Victor always wins means you can spare
yourself from getting investing in anything having
to do with him and hit the fast forward button
whenever he's on your screen because you know how it
ends before it even gets started.
Sabrina seems to be aspiring to emulate Morticia
Addams with her newly straightened long, black hair
and her habit of peppering her conversation with
French phrases. Every time she whispers "mon cherie"
to Victor I half expect him to start kissing her up
and down her arm with reckless abandon. Next thing
you know, Victor will come home to find Sabrina
snipping the heads off the roses with her gardening
shears while Thing plays the mandolin.
Come to think of it, the Newmans, or at least what
seems to be evolving as the newly re-imagined Newman
family, is very much like the Addams family in many
ways. Their house is, indeed, a museum when people
come to see 'em, and while the rest of the world
views them with a justified amount of disdain they
seem to think nothing wrong of their behavior. If
they name the new baby Wednesday then maybe they can
convince Adam to change his name (once again) to
Pugsly.
Speaking of which, I hope this show doesn't expect
those of us who have bothered to follow along all
these years to forget that Victor has had not one,
but two vasectomies. It is preposterous beyond
belief the lengths this show will go to in order to
prop this aging man who is pushing 70 as some stud
so virile and so manly that even after two
vasectomies his sperm is still so potent he can
impregnate a woman half his age.
