February 18, 2006
by Todd Brown

 

Memo to all you ladies out there: the type of man who doesn't remember Valentine's Day, anniversaries or birthdays, or any other event not associated with sports may not be the man for you. He is typically the kind of man who cares only about getting his rocks off and has no vested interest in your feelings.

Take Nick Newman, for example. Despite his ongoing affair he had nary a thought of Valentine's Day for neither his wife nor his whore. It's all about getting his pole waxed, if you know what I mean. Once a loyal devotee of this particular Hallmark holiday, having in the past planned elaborate Arabian tent fantasies, Nick has over the years become one of those grunting neanderthals women lust after but then are sorry for it afterwards. I guess Nick realizes he can get it anywhere, any time, and with anyone he wants, so why bother going that extra mile to deserve it?

Certainly Sharon deserves nothing more than Nick if she's this blind to his faults and willing to settle. Upon reminding her erstwhile husband that Valentine's Day was approaching, she barely batted an eye when Nick suggested an impromptu dinner at the Colonnade Room, which has only just recently been upgraded to a "treat" since everyone in town dines at the athletic club these days.

As dumb as she is, it's only a matter of time before Sharon learns about her husband's affair. Nick can't seem to stay away from Phyllis these days no matter how many times people have walked into her office, found them together, and still thought nothing of it. No mental giant herself, Phyllis has gone so far as to close the door for her clandestine meetings with Nick, but meanwhile her window blinds remain wide open on the glass walls that mark the distinction between privacy and public spectacle.

And what of Brad Carlton? Who would he choose to gift with a bouquet of roses this year, his fiancé or his wife? Tough decisions awaited him. Torn between three loves, the gold digging deodorant model sought to assuage Victoria with promises of a future once his wife's legal troubles are over then commiserated with Sharon to whom he had professed his undying love a mere three hours before proposing to Victoria. Why any woman considers this man a catch is beyond me.

Then there's JT. I think the less said about him the better, don't you? JT was none too quick on his feet when confronted with the prospect of Valentine's Day by his dubious girlfriend Mackenzie but ever so light in the loafers when discussing the potential for disaster with fellow twink Daniel, with whom he seems to have entered into a contest for craziest and gayest hair. The hours these boys must spend in front of the mirror with their peroxide and their gel provides a fitting glimpse into the future of any woman who vies for their attention.

Poor little Devon, sitting all alone and doodling Lily's name on a pad of paper. Now there's a real man. At least he remembered Valentine's Day. Pity he's obsessing over a girl who wouldn't give him the time of day because she's tasted the delicious twinky of wee willie Daniel and once you go white you never go back. Still, it serves the little sucker right to be played this way given the role he had in orchestrating this disaster in the making.

Good God, is Sierra getting fatter? I swear if her face gets any wider I'm going to have to buy one of those huge plasma TVs to see all of her in one screen. Either that or they're going to have to start shooting her in Letterbox. No Valentine's Day card for Sierra this year. She'll have to console herself with a box of Ho-ho's like she does every year.

Jabot doesn't seem to be capitalizing on Valentine's Day this year. You would think a perfume company would be cashing in on this chance to peddle their wares but apparently they're still on the verge of bankruptcy no matter what the holiday is. The latest excuse is that Jabot just can't get along without John Abbott and his close relationship to their suppliers and distributors. I fail to see what John can accomplish with said vendors when all he ever does is fall down and hurt himself. The man has a heart attack every time someone looks at him cross eyed. I don't know where Gloria is getting the money for all those tacky outfits but it sure isn't from this company.

Who else burst out laughing at Jack's arrogant claim to Gloria that all his years of experience at Jabot made him the expert at what's best for this company? If that is the case then why is it forever in dire financial straits? Does he really think the solution to their problems is to step in and become the face of Jabot? No wonder the family dines on leftover meatloaf.

Despite the promise of the Colonnade room, half the town showed up for Valentine's Day at their usual watering hole, the athletic club. And why not? They spend every waking moment there, they eat three meals a day there, and they go there for every conceivable holiday. Why should Valentine's Day be any different? I'm still at a loss to explain the lure of this establishment. Consider Lily Winters ordering a "cola" from the bartender. Not a Coke, but a "cola." Apparently they serve Wal-Mart generic brand soft drinks there, yet still people can't get enough of this place.

The athletic club is also the location of choice for affairs and secret meetings between star crossed lovers. Nick and Phyllis had a lunch date planned there complete with room service. A baked potato and sex, and don't skimp on the sour cream. Lily and Daniel met there with the help of Gina despite the fact that half the town lives there. It's hardly the place to meet in secret. Nor is Gina likely to serve well in the role of the matchmaker. Despite her designated make-out room, she was all thumbs when trying to distract Drucilla. I think Dru spoke for all of us upon commenting that Gina "has a face for hats." I think that means she'd look great in a ski mask.

Sharon was decked out in a questionable gown for the holiday, something that resembled a cross between what Carrie wore to her prom and what Vampira wore on Halloween. I wasn't sure whether it was an evening dress or a nightgown. How convenient for Nick and Sharon that Noah now seems to live with friends. He's been spending the night at a friend's house every night for the past several months. If he's lucky they'll adopt him.

Abby was also lucky to get out of town, and none too soon from what I gather. Ashley told her father that Abby has already set her sights on a boy in her class she thinks is cute. Good God, but I feel compelled to phone the parents of this boy, whoever he is, and warn them of his potentially disastrous fate. It's alarming enough that a girl Abby's age would already be interested in boys but couple that with her genetics and you've got another sperm theft already in the making. Run away, little boy, whoever you are. Run away.

Contrivance would seem to be the apt description of Neil and Dru's obsession over Daniel. The parents of the child he was once accused of killing have taken him into their bosom yet Dru and Neil still see him as the second coming of Satan. All for the sake of an ill advised and poorly executed Y&R version of Romeo and Juliet starring Lily and Daniel. I can only hope this means I can look forward to their impending suicides because I already had more than my fill of this garbage last year.

Clearly Genoa City High is just as lax about their truancy policy as Walnut Grove Academy. Kids can skip out whenever they want to meet their friends and have "free periods" right and left. Then again, for all we know, it's possible the school did in fact call Daniel's mother to see why he didn't show up that day but Phyllis was too busy planning sex dates with her former husband and new lover to give a flying damn where her kid was.

This new Colleen is quite a change from the old one what with her machinations and bitch face. The old Colleen was so sweet when she left a room it was sticky, even when she was a pothead. I don't mind the upgrade to someone with a little bit more of an edge, but it's hard to take her side. For one thing she's obsessed with JT which makes her judgments questionable to say the least. For another, no matter how much she hates Kevin, she can't seem to stop herself from going to his coffee shop to drink his coffee and glare at him. I get that she can't get past his attempt to murder her but surely she can buy coffee somewhere else if she dislikes him this intensely.

If I ever decide to murder someone I'm going to drag them to Genoa City to do it, because afterwards I can confess until I'm blue in the face and the D.A. will still insist someone else committed the crime. This Will Bardwell guy is quite a piece of work. He had to be hammered over the head with evidence before arresting the guy begging to plead guilty. And we thought Glenn Richards was an idiot.

Speaking of idiots and the idiots who write their dialogue, I can't get over how stupid John would have to be to assume that simply because he confessed to murder his precious Beauty Ashley would get off scot free. Clearly the woman obstructed justice and made false statements to the authorities, but in John's delusional mind nothing this woman ever does is wrong. And now it seems that he's destined to be written off into the sunset, never having learned his daughter not only isn't even biologically related to him, but that the grandchild she bore is the result of an ill gotten sperm theft.

We never get any payoff on this show anymore, do we?