February 11, 2006
by Todd Brown

Somewhere in Genoa City there is a thriving business selling wigs. I don't know how they knew to come to this town, but they're really cleaning up. Nary a day goes by when they're not swamped with customers wanting wigs whether it be for disguise, sex games or baldness. They boast a list of clientele worthy of the blue book and have the widest variety in the country.

Their latest customer was Mackenzie Browning who for some inconceivable reason decided the best way to deal with her wandering eyed boyfriend was to dress up like a blonde Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island. Was this supposed to be cute? Were we supposed to think this was funny and sexy rather than a cringe worthy display of the most pathetic girl on earth? Is this supposed to be the same Mackenzie who lived on the streets and didn't take any guff from girls with superior financial backgrounds like Brittany Hodges? Or has that Mackenzie been replaced by this Stepford Robot?

I can't describe it any plainer than our own Christine Hoffman has already done, but we seem to be into a trend wherein characters are not only recast and returned to the canvas with completely different faces but a total personality transplant as well. First it was Mac, then Colleen and now we're to suffer a new Lily Winters. Granted, she's an improvement over the last Lily, who our own Michael Kelly so accurately described as the "singularly vapid and annoying Christel Khalil," and she doesn't have that dumb nose ring anymore either. But she's so drastically different it's not even like she's the same person.

It's jarring, to say the least. It's like if they suddenly recast Katherine as a 30 year old. It's like if they brought in a new Victor who was fat and no women wanted him. It's like if there was a new Sharon and she was suddenly smart. It makes your head spin. You just can't keep up.

Gradually they try to transform some of them. The new Victoria may lack the spark and personality of Heather Tom but damned if they aren't going to start bleaching her hair so she can go from being a brunette to a platinum blonde just like old Vicki did. Maybe she can just go to that wig shop like everyone else and save herself the bother of peroxide.

Is Paul's hair a new color these days too? Paul's no stranger to the fake hair club, that's for sure. He must have walked into there and asked "Can you even dye my rug to match my gown? Uh huh? Jolly ole' town!" Maybe it's the toupee glue that keeps his brain from functioning. Little wonder a man who doesn't even seem to remember he has two children wouldn't believe it when John Abbott tells him he committed murder. Paul probably doesn't even believe John has children.

Thank God Neil and Drucilla remembered Devon's birthday this year. Was it only a year ago they forgot his birthday and he ran away to the zoo and almost got eaten by a lion? Though I must say, it was in especially poor taste to wrap Lily up in a giant gift box as though she were the stripper at his bachelor party. She's not his sister you know. If Neil and Dru can't see how Devon is lusting after their daughter they're hardly the stellar parental figures Devon seems to think they are. Granted, by comparison, given the examples of parenthood available in Genoa City, they're still the cream of the crop.

Ashley couldn't even have a child without stealing someone's sperm since nobody wanted to give her any of their own accord. And the minute she got the chance she threw her life away just to protect her idiot father, Abby be damned. As if that were not enough this moron actually consented to be interviewed by none other than the infamous Leanna Love whose sole purpose in all her existence has been to destroy anyone she comes into contact with, a fact that is well known to all. I don't know why Ashley didn't just go on Jerry Springer.

And it goes without saying that Nick and Sharon have to be the two worst parents on record. Despite Nick's proclamation that nothing is more important to him than Noah he's still banging the woman whose son killed Noah's sister with a grin on his face like the Grinch who stole Christmas. Sharon's latest business trip will be quick, she said, just "in and out." Kind of like Nick with Phyllis I gather.

It must be easy to go through the motions of being a married man when you have servants to clean up after you. Nick made a half hearted attempt to do the dishes at home because, as he put it, he didn't want to leave it all for Miguel. What? Did I hear right? Are you telling me that in addition to everything else, Miguel actually has to go down to Nick and Sharon's house every night and do their dishes for them? Does Miguel have to wipe their asses for them too? Does Miguel have to show up every time Nick has sex with Phyllis and put the condom on for him? It wouldn't surprise me in the least.

I still don't buy this whole Nick and Phyllis thing anyway. It's like the writers just reach into a grab bag and pull out two character's names and pair them together for the sake of "explosive" material regardless of whether it makes any sense or not. Hell if they're going to be this reckless and throw logic to the wind, why not pair up Ashley and Michael? They talk. How about Colleen and Kevin? There's a thin line between love and hate. Paul and Mackenzie? They're both pathetic idiots. Just mix 'n match at your leisure. No reason to put any thought behind it so long as it's "hot."

Lucky for Nick, as we all know, Sharon is about three tacos short of a combo platter. Anyone with eyes could see the disappointed look on his face when she unexpectedly returned and threw a monkey wrench into his plans for afternoon delight with Phyllis, but not Sharon. I'm not even buying that Chicago was snowed in. I checked the weather channel and it's 45 there. She probably got to the airport and got confused thinking Chicago was in Canada.

Who the hell is running Newman Enterprises these days anyway? It sure as hell isn't Nick or Victoria. Nick spends all his time standing around with his hands in his pockets daydreaming about Phyllis when he isn't actually sleeping with her, while Victoria runs around town chasing after Brad and showing everyone her gaudy enormous engagement ring. Likewise, I fail to see how these "Wellness Spas" are ever going to get off the ground even with Victor on board. Certainly Phyllis has more on her mind than business these days and although Victor jumped at the chance to butt into the project he and Nikki have yet to be seen doing anything but talking about it.

Boy that Bardwell guy has his work cut out for him if he thinks he can prove to the jury that Ashley was making drugs because she's a chemist and has a lab. Every employee at Jabot can testify that Ashley hasn't spent more than five minutes in that lab over the past two years. The woman can't even turn out a new crappy perfume let alone a batch of meth. Plus with the way everyone and their brother waltzes in and out of that place at all hours unannounced someone surely would have caught her by now.

How come Brad is on a first name basis with Will Bardwell when we've never even seen or heard of this guy until just recently? This case is hinging on pitting the dumbest DA's office in the world against the most incompetent and idiotic defense imaginable. Since when does a DA call the estranged spouse of the defendant to his office to get information about the case? I'm pretty sure that's not even legal.

On the other hand I'm hard pressed to believe Ashley's going to have an easier time beating this rap than John simply because she's a woman. In the first place, the jury is going to be very skeptical of her actually being a woman as we all have for lo these many years. In the second place, John's not the one who's been seen traipsing all around town the past few months on the back of Tom's motorcycle and having dinner with him right and left at the athletic club.

I don't know where else on earth the defense attorney's wife can testify on behalf of his client either but surely the jury is going to raise an eyebrow or two over that. Especially given that Lauren has been running around town defending Tom right and left for some odd reason as though she became his champion simply because he didn't leave her to die on the exploding boat but left her locked up in a bomb shelter with the very lunatic who planned the explosion in the first place. It sure doesn't take much to become Lauren's hero that's for sure.

I just don't get why everyone is bending over backwards to protect Ashley as though she's some little delicate desert flower. Okay, maybe John, but why is Michael willing to put his life on the line for this woman? She practically forced herself into the situation and brought this all on herself. I don't get why John was so incredulous that Ashley would actually lie under oath. The woman stole sperm for God's sake. She should have been locked up years ago. I don't think the writers see this character the same way that we do.

People are just lining up to take the fall for this woman and it makes no sense. I take it we're going to be spared from a trial and what a fiasco that would have been. People standing up announcing "I shot Tom Fisher," "No, I shot Tom Fisher," "No I shot Tom Fisher." Leaving the judge to ask "Will the real Tom Fisher shooter please stand up?" and then everyone in the courtroom stands up to save poor defenseless Ashley. For once in the history of this show, the DA finally has the right idea. I don't care who shot Tom Fisher, the fact remains there's just something not quite right about Ashley. Get her off the streets - better safe than sorry.