February 4, 2006
by Todd Brown

It's clear that Ashley and Jack inherited their mixed up sense of priorities from their mother rather than their father. John was sensible enough to realize what an absurd situation it was for Ashley to take the fall for him but both Ashley and Jack preferred to risk sending Ashley to jail instead. On the other hand maybe they're onto something there. Between the two of them, Ashley would in fact probably fare much better in prison than John would. She'd be that big scary looking broad all the other inmates are afraid of.

What a testament to the wheels of justice in town when you can't get the D.A. on the phone to confess to murder. I suppose Glenn Richards has more important matters to attend to these days. Murders are becoming so passé in Genoa City after all. "Hello, I'd like to confess to the murder of Tom Fisher. Yes, I'll hold. What do you mean he isn't there? This is the fifth time I called. Would you please tell him I killed Tom Fisher?" Then they send some lackey over to the hospital, another has been from Knots Landing. God these people should just go away rather than show up on daytime TV and show off how old they've become which is why the best jobs they can get these days are in dinner theater and soap operas.

Isn't it about time they just put John away in a home? He keeps falling down and winding up in the hospital. At the very least I hope they take away his driver's license. No wonder everyone's so desperate to protect him. If he doesn't have a bandage wrapped around his head he's got tubes coming out of his nose all the while protesting he's not an invalid. Meanwhile he spends more time in hospital gowns these days than suits.

Good God, Glenn Richard's replacement is even denser than he was, and that's a challenge not many can rise to. Even when confronted with the truth these paragons of law and order prefer to continue down the road of prosecuting the innocent. To date, nobody has been able to explain why Ashley had no gun powder residue on her gloves despite holding the murder weapon so in that respect John's confession makes all the sense in the world. But no, the governing administration would rather cling to their false case than admit a mistake and charge the right person. I'm just surprised they haven't arrested Phyllis.

How in the hell did reporters get Jill's cell phone number? Is it listed in the white pages? And why are stores canceling their orders simply because of Ashley's legal problems? This certainly doesn't speak well of their products. If something works for you then it works for you regardless of whether or not the president of the company that manufactures it is experiencing a scandal. People continued to go on the Scarsdale diet long after Dr. Scarsdale was murdered by his mistress after all, and figure skating fans didn't tune out in droves after Tonya Harding whacked Nancy Kerrigan. Even Kate Moss has a future in modeling.

It's hard to believe they have competition from Newman Cosmetics of all lines. Newman Cosmetics? Is that what it's called? Ladies, would you buy make-up with a name like Newman Cosmetics? Help me out here. Usually cosmetic lines have more feminine names. There's Maybelline, Estee Lauder, Elizabeth Arden, Mary Kay, Avon and then there's Newman Cosmetics. Which one of these things doesn't belong? Newman sounds like a brand name of makeup for drag queens. And Ashley doesn't even work for them.

I sure hope Nick showered after screwing Phyllis then going home to be with his wife. I realize Sharon isn't the brightest bulb in the box but even she should know her husband well enough to recognize the stink of another woman on his body. Especially given all her experience in that matter. Wasn't it ironic to hear Nick express how nice he found the fire going since it was freezing outside? And yet just hours before teens were wandering around on a rooftop in their bathing suits. Go figure. In any event Sharon sure wasn't getting any that night. Nick had already shot his load and had nothing left but cuddles. I guess Phyllis finally managed to drain those batteries of his.

I'm just so sick of Nick and Sharon, all they ever do is screw. If they're not screwing each other they're turning to someone else for screwing. It's like screwing is their whole life, it's how they deal with everything. God forbid they should seek grief counseling or group therapy when it's so much easier to screw. And if your spouse isn't there for screwing, just screw someone else. I fail to see how anyone is supposed to sympathize with these two horny morons with what little brains they have all between their legs.

Sharon sure is full of herself these days even if she couldn't get Brad to screw her. Sales went up 30% after her last personal appearance and therefore she now considers herself a major draw for any product she cares to endorse. Wow I don't know where she's doing these personal appearances but I sure as hell hope I never live there. Apparently they're places populated by idiots fascinated by inane and vapid whores they're dying to look like. Little do they know they're sure going to need a whole lot more than Newman Cosmetics to get a fraction of the screwing action that Sharon does.

Get a load of Nick's business attire. Everyone else is walking around in a suit and tie and Nick's got a casual shirt and a sports blazer and greasy hair. He's supposed to be the CEO and Yolanda dressed better than him, and she was a former crack whore who worked in the mail room. Plus he shows nothing in the way of being torn over this affair he's carrying on. I was a little disturbed to see so many readers write to Juanita last week wanting to slap Phyllis for carrying on with a married man while nary a one offered a slap for Nicholas. Last time I checked it took two to tango, and Nick is the one cheating on a spouse. Surely in the 21st century we've gotten past the idea of "home wreckers." Phyllis has always been a self destructive loose cannon with questionable scruples but it's hardly as if she's forcing herself on Nick. Are we still operating under the assumption that women are evil temptresses and men are helpless victims who have "needs" they're unable to resist, like dogs who hump your leg? Although that does describe Nick rather well, I must admit.

I'm torn by the idea of Nikki giving marital advice to anyone. Certainly they could benefit from her experience in that matter since she's been down the aisle more often than Elizabeth Taylor and the Gabor sisters combined, but then again Sharon's only been married to one man in the past ten years while Nikki has been married to ten men. Sure, six of them were Victor, but still. People in glass houses and all that.

Isn't it odd to see Victoria jockeying for a position as Abby's step mother when she is in fact the child's sister? Regardless of whether she's involved with Brad or not she has an inescapable connection to the child and I find it rather ironic when she has to argue with the man who is not even biologically related about her status with Abby. Granted I doubt she'd give a flying damn whether Abby went to school or drew pictures or what have you if she wasn't bagging the step dad but still I'd expect her to play the sister card more heavily than the potential stepmother card.

Wow Daniel sure has a bunch of crappy friends. Ostensibly showing up unannounced at his place to "cheer him up" they proceeded to tell him they can barely stand to be around him or each other. Way to cheer the guy up. Devon and Sierra must surely be the biggest idiots out of the lot of them. Do they think Lily is dead or is just going to vanish into thin air like Nate did? Eventually she is going to find out that Daniel never received her real letter. And after they stormed out of the apartment all I was left to wonder was what became of the bag of muffins Mac brought over. The wasted food on this show could feed a third world country.

Colleen sure has some nerve telling Kevin she expects him to walk out of any room she enters. I wonder if that includes his own coffee shop she's for some unknown reason unable to stay away from. Even with the recast I have to take Kevin's side on this one. I'd like to burn the little bitch myself. Kevin really has changed - if it had been me I would have told her it was fine with me if she wanted to avoid me but she was no longer welcome at Crimson Lights. Then maybe the little snot would have to spend more time with her father and her grandfather who she claims to be so worried about she took time off from school to visit even though she's spent most of her time hanging around her old friends and enemies.

Seems to me Colleen had much different reasons for returning than she claims. She's been chasing after her old boyfriend JT unmercifully since she got back. She even coyly asked if he'd protect her again if she was ever in danger from Kevin. If she's that scared why doesn't she go back to school in New York? She's already talking like she's planning on making a permanent move to Genoa City. We all know they don't recast a character just for a cameo.

People do change, after all. Just look at Colleen. Wasn't she originally introduced as a poorly portrayed pothead who did ballerina on the side? And wasn't JT the guy who left Billy to die in the snow after passing out drunk? And they didn't even have parents who locked them up in closets. Not to beat a dead horse or anything but, again, glass houses.

Doesn't Nikki know how to play any happy songs on the piano? I'd hate to have to go to one of her recitals. Especially if she's going to wear that hideous blue outfit that looks like my grandmother's housecoat with her boobs sagging down to her waist and the enormous Christmas tree ornament hanging around her neck. Is this the woman who is supposed to be creating the Wellness Spa Empire?

I fail to see why Victor has to live on handouts from his pathetic wife. Doesn't he have more money than Donald Trump? Can't he buy some new company and run it to his heart's content? I have a hard time believing he's excited about launching day spas for rich fat women who can't be bothered to see their doctor and their cosmeticians in more than one visit. I realize he's past his prime but there's still untapped business ventures he'd be perfect for. He could start a whole line of Victor Newman's Famous Black T-Shirts or Victor Newman's Patented Punching Bags. If nothing else he could write his autobiography and go on Oprah. I hear that's very popular these days.