January 28, 2005
by Todd Brown

Let this be a lesson to Colleen, and the hundreds of children like her who left Genoa City only to return and find things very different. Not only has her own face and body changed considerably, but so too have the circumstances she left behind. The villains are now heroes, the heroes are now villains, her aunt is a murderess, her old boyfriend has taken up with someone who runs a business with the man who tried to kill her. A similar fate potentially awaits Kyle, Nate, Phillip, Ricky, and any number of other forgotten and abandoned children, perhaps explaining why they choose to stay away.

Don't you hate it when the girl you tried to kill comes back to town? I know I do. Poor Kevin, he was doing so well. Yet if the return of Colleen does in fact cause his good side to go into remission then I'm all for it. He's been a complete bore ever since he became sane. Pouring coffee and listening to other people's problems doesn't win you an Emmy after all. Thank goodness Gloria is there to take up his case. This show is in desperate need of someone who dislikes Colleen as much as I do. But if Colleen hates Kevin so much, why doesn't she stay the hell away from Crimson Lights? One minute she's warning Gloria to keep Kevin away from her, and the next thing you know she's walking into his place of business.

I think Colleen is projecting a little too much and remains in denial of her complicity in Kevin's crime. As I recall, the little twit showed up at Gina's expecting to meet her grandfather, only to find the place dark and deserted, and wandered into the walk-in freezer as though John might be there waiting for her. I know if I were that stupid I would be filled with self loathing too and looking to blame someone else for my own idiocy.

Ashley is so very distraught about being charged with murder she has moved into the athletic club, it seems. For some odd reason she has found the place an appropriate venue to ruminate on her problems and even meet with her attorney. I know whenever I'm accused of murder I prefer to discuss the case in a public place where the the townsfolk at large can witness it. Law offices can be so stuffy, after all, and what better way to console oneself than to be surrounded by the very people who will be called upon to serve as the jury of your peers? It's really a rather clever strategy, for in doing so she prevents any one of them from being able to testify that shortly after shooting a man she was seen lounging about in the local club having dinner with her new boyfriend and dining on expensive meals as though she hadn't a care in the world.

Am I to believe patrons of the athletic club are still going up to that damn roof - in the middle of January? In Wisconsin? Without coats or jackets? With dresses cut down to their navels? Okay, it must be enclosed, I'll buy that. But even still, would you really want to parade around in your bathing suit or bathrobe in front of fully dressed patrons enjoying their expensive luncheons? Or sitting in the hot tub that barely even bubbles in the middle of the restaurant in full view of everyone there?

I just don't get the lure of this place anymore than I get the popularity of the coffee shop. It's six of one and a half dozen of the other. JT offered to whisk Mackenzie away from the drudgery of running the coffee shop, and where did he take her? To the athletic club, for a smoothie. Which they make at the coffee shop. It's kind of like if you work at Dunkin Donuts and you go to Winchell's on your break. For a donut. And please, I realize we're trying to be sensitive about New Orleans here but no respectable business would turn away customers just because they want to appease a disaster area at their own financial expense. Did you see the snotty look on that woman's face upon learning they were out of French Roast? My God I thought I'd seen it all but apparently Mac and Kevin aren't even bright enough to go down to the grocery store and buy some Folgers.

Why did Victoria act like she barely knew Phyllis? She asked Nicholas what he meant when he said Phyllis was the type to light a fire under people, and then speculated that Phyllis didn't "strike her as the kind of person that was easy to work with." Yet it was Victoria herself, albeit played by a different actress at the time, who lured Phyllis away from Jabot to work at Newman Enterprises. Victoria worked side by side with Phyllis on the Brash 'n Sassy website and even planned some half baked idea about a concert with her. Vicki worked with Phyllis long before Nikki ever did and knows what it's like to work with her far better than most. Can't the writers keep track of the characters without a scorecard?

Boy that Nick is a regular Energizer Bunny isn't he? He just keeps going and going and going. No sooner had he pulled his pants back on after going one on one with Phyllis was he seen to be offering to do the same with her son Daniel. I only hope he meant to take it out to the basketball court since the hay was barely cold. Most men roll over and fall asleep but not Nick. I'm beginning to understand why Sharon can ill afford to spend those two hours a month working at Newman Enterprises if it means leaving her randy husband behind to his own devices. The man has inherited his father's insatiable need to plant his seed into whatever woman crosses his path.

Too bad he hasn't inherited his father's intelligence. Phyllis left him with a room key and an invitation and he still needed her to spell it out for him. "What are you thinking? he asked her. Duh, Nick, she wants to jump your bones again. God what a moron. No wonder he's stayed with Sharon this long. It's kind of ironic; he's got his father's libido but without the brains to go with it he's yet to screw a fraction of the women in town that his father has.

To this day Victor is unable to resist hovering over Ashley as though he still owned her, and even now as she faces the gas chamber has the colossal gall to make it all about himself, telling her he's insulted by the fact that she refuses his help. To be fair, though, Ashley did go out of her way to steal Victor's sperm just so she could have his child, adding to his already over inflated ego so I guess she did kind of bring it on herself.

What does Victor do all day now that he isn't running Newman Enterprises? Does he haunt the local shopping mall looking for bargains on black t-shirts? Sit in front of the computer in the former CEO chatrooms? Spend hours in front of the mirror trimming his mustache? There's only so many hours of the day that can be spent hitting the punching bag at the gym and going "boop!" at that age you know.

I guess we can toss Yolanda onto the pile of disposable black actresses along with Callie, Serena, Alex, Adrienne and a host of others. It seems there is only room for one woman of color on this show and her name is Drucilla. She even managed to drive her own sister out of town. Whatever happened to Olivia anyway? As far as the patients at the hospital are concerned, God willing she should only stay there. I am disappointed to have missed out on the opportunity to see Dru give Yolanda the smack down she so richly deserved, however. But not nearly as disappointed that she didn't take her whiny and boring son with her when she left. I wonder what contrivance they will come up with to keep Devon from going to Boston College now. Perhaps it will be discovered that Genoa City University has developed a laser technique for removing that annoying thing on Devon's lip that I find so distracting. Here's hoping.

Why would anyone be friends with Devon anyway? He's such a mopey little downer and never has a pleasant word nor even a smile for those he has the nerve to call friends. It will certainly serve him right when Lily returns and learns he betrayed her and lost Daniel to her former best friend Colleen even if neither one of them look the same as they used to. That will leave Devon with nobody to talk to but Sierra and I can't think of a more fitting punishment than that. Once Sierra finds out Crimson Lights ran out of donuts I don't fancy Devon's chances of making it out of there alive.