Viewpoint Archives

January 7, 2006
by Todd Brown

So far I'm not seeing much in the way of a future for the newly engaged Brad and Victoria. His proposal came as a second choice on the same day he professed his love for Sharon, and Victoria prefaced her acceptance with "If you change your mind I'll have your head on a plate." And they say romance is dead.

What a hideous engagement ring. It looks like something that came out of a gumball machine. Or something you would buy your six year old daughter so she can pretend she has big diamonds. Was Brad carrying that thing around in his pocket, waiting to give it to Sharon and/or Vicki? Hey if they don't want it I bet Katherine would wear it. She's known for waiving her jewel encrusted talons around in the air and in point of fact I believe she's the only woman on this show who has not yet been asked by Brad to marry him.

So it seems that Miguel's myriad duties now include picking up Victoria's dry cleaning. Isn't Miguel supposed to be the major-domo at the Newman Ranch, which Webster defines as being a person in charge of a royal or noble household? This would mean that he would be in charge of commanding a large staff of servants to keep the household running, and not actually running around town picking up dry cleaning for spoiled little brats. Yet this is the only servant we ever see or hear about, and has to do everything from babysitting bastard grandchildren to putting up and taking down the Christmas decorations all by himself. It's amazing he hasn't been on Oprah yet.

Now Victoria finds herself in the unenviable position of becoming Abby's step mother, which is ironic considering that Abby's mother Ashley was once Victoria's step mother. This would make Victoria Abby's sister, step sister, and step mother all at once. Strangely enough, Brad is not related to Abby at all.

I'd love to see the note Ashley and Brad must have had to write for Abby's teachers after pulling her out of school. "Please excuse Abby from class, we had to take her home to tell her that her mother was arrested for murder." And they're so worried kids are going to say mean things about her mommy. Frankly I'd rather my friends call my mother a murderer than a sperm thief.  It's just classier. 

I don't know why Michael was initially so aghast at Scotty's proposal to use himself as bait to lure Sheila out of hiding. Seems like a natural choice to me, the kid has all the personality of a worm and serves no other purpose in town. Then again Michael may be the only one who recognizes what a lousy detective Paul is. Did Paul actually say they'd have to screen the memorial service for women wearing disguises? That worked real good at the wedding when they were specifically on the lookout for "Jennifer" and she waltzed in and out of there like she owned the place without ever being stopped for ID let alone an invitation.

Why was Lauren so determined to help Sheila? I can't imagine being so charitable to someone who has tried to kill me on more than one occasion. Lauren is obviously not the brightest bulb in the box. Somehow she managed to knock loose a concrete cinder block when all the while there was an air vent the size of Pittsburgh on the wall. If you can decimate concrete slab, a flimsy metal grate on the wall should be relatively easier to remove. And it seemed to me that hole they managed to open in the cement wall was plenty large enough for Lauren to squeeze through. I guess she didn't want to get dirt on her velvet pink track suit after managing to keep it in such pristine condition these past couple of weeks.

Then just when they were getting close to removing said air vent, all of a sudden Lauren wanted to take a break and talk about Sheila's childhood. There's a time for exposition and there's a time for saving your starving, dying ass you idiot. Thank God that moldy can of food Sheila ate didn't give her diarrhea. With her hands tied in front of her I'd hate to think how she was supposed to wipe her ass. Why the hell was there a shovel in a bomb shelter anyway? Did the farmhouse owners think they might do a little gardening while they were waiting out the repercussions of Armageddon? And what kind of bomb shelter is held together with one lousy support beam?  If the Big One actually hit Genoa City I doubt a wooden 2 by 4 is going to save the day. And what of this air vent, anyway? It apparently led to a hole in the ground covered by wooden slats. I'm getting the feeling that the designers of this shelter didn't think this through very well. Probably the type who ran around in tin foil hats so the government wouldn't monitor their secret thoughts.

Get a load of Victor and his coat. Isn't that the same coat Brad bought for Victoria on Christmas? If not, it's awfully similar and looks ridiculous on him. The man is wandering around town wearing something Lindsay Lohan might wear and instead of all the townsfolk pointing and laughing, all Jack has to say is "the great man himself" and Ashley knows right away who he's talking about because I guess he's the only "great man" in the world despite the ridiculous wardrobe choices. 

Then Victor actually had the nerve to tell Ashley he has "no involvement" when it comes to matters of the heart where Victoria is concerned. Well, not anymore anyway. Not since the time he gave Diego a sack full of money to get lost and leave her alone, which was promptly stolen from Diego and which Victor never recovered.

Boy, the landlords at the loft must have a hard time keeping up with the revolving door of tenants renting that place. At this point everyone under the age of 30 has lived there at some point. Now JT has the nerve to ask Kevin and Scotty to move out like he owns the place and as far as I know his name was never even on the lease. How I long for the days when Kevin set fire to people like JT. Here's hoping once he moves out, Kevin will burn the building down with Mac and JT trapped inside. Do us all a favor.

If Yolanda is working in the mail room at Newman she should have her own executive office within a matter of months. Ryan did. Of course, she'll have to sleep with a Newman first but considering how Nicholas can't keep it in his pants for more than a day that shouldn't be much of a problem. At least Nick is finally taking a big step up by moving on to Phyllis. Considering his previous conquests consist of Sharon and Grace I find myself admiring his choices of late. 

Normally I'm not one to defend Daniel but I'm sick to death of Neil's condescending attitude. I just wish someone had the guts to point out to Neil that Daniel is not responsible for Lily's stupidity. She was a moron long before Daniel ever came to town, and will be a moron long after he leaves. Neil and Drucilla still refuse to face the fact that their daughter made her own idiotic choices which is probably why Lily was so mentally challenged. Likewise, I'm sick of Drucilla looking down her nose at Yolanda, no matter how much the woman seems inclined to scratch herself in nervousness. Drucilla was a street rat who couldn't even read once upon a time, and now she couldn't even fit her fat ass into a designer dress if she tried so I'd watch out if I were her. 

I can't believe the statue of Jesus didn't burst into flames looking over the glamour shot of Lauren positioned just beneath it at the alter. Surely they could have found a photo of Lauren that didn't look like she was posing for Playboy with her breasts thrusting out of her spaghetti string top. I guess they wanted to remember Lauren for who she truly was.  A whore.