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Fashion/Style by Liza Van Horne
September 19, 2008

Dear readers, have you ever gone through that horrible growing-out phase with your hair? You know, those seemingly endless months where no matter what you do, your layers look shaggy and limp and you can't seem to do a thing about it? Maybe you just resigned yourself to wearing a lot of hats and scarves and bandannas. Lord, have I ever been there. In fact, just last year I undertook the task of growing out short, blunt baby-bangs, and let me tell you, I went through some stages I would not wish on anyone. For example, there were a few months where the only thing I could do was straighten my naturally wavy hair with a big-barrel curling iron and try to push my awkward bangs over to the side with some Product, and it ended up looking a lot more like some kind of 80s revival than I care to admit. Readers, I am telling you, it was a sad situation.

I mention this because Nikki had a nicely coiffed short hairstyle back when she was running for Senate on the Maverick Stripper platform - and ever since then, it's obvious she's been desperately trying to grow it back out, because hair length is to female soap characters what penis size is to men. So we've witnessed the various painful stages of hair re-growth as Nikki has employed assorted Cheap Plastic Clips, complicated barrettes, and slicked-back pony-stubs. But now, suddenly, her hair reaches her shoulders, meaning it's on the very threshold of Long again. And what do her stylists do after all this time? After all these months of patience and gritting her teeth, how is Nikki rewarded?

Well, I'll tell you how: with the boringest hairstyle imaginable, is how (well - second-boringest; Sharon still holds that title). When she wears it down lately, it's blown out into a smooth, straight, side-parted shoulder-length flip. A freakin' FLIP. Did I miss the memo where it was once again considered stylish to emulate Marlo Thomas? I didn't think so. You can go ahead and argue that her hair is Classic and Age-Appropriate, blah blah blah, but I'm not going to listen because honestly, I can't see the point in growing your hair out at all if you're going to wear it in the most basic, unflattering way possible. She needs volume at the crown, y'all, and those side-swept bangs - with the cowlick at the part - are beyond tired. Get some layers, woman, and look into some large Velcro rollers or something to give yourself some oomph.

While Nikki's uninspired flip made me yawn, I have to say I was pleasantly surprised on Tuesday when Sharon seemed to have been visited by the Curling Iron Fairy. While I still despise the eighteen-inch drop-off between her front layers and the lower-back length of her limp locks, at least with a little wave and curl she looked less flappy and thus much less irritating. However, I'd like to know why she was nosing around the Useless Style warehouse on Monday, SEPTEMBER 15th, in a gauzy, fluffy wraparound dress with a floral pattern of black and rose that'd be more suited to a garden party in June. Last time I checked, Labor Day was weeks ago, but what do I know.

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