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by Brent Kellogg
September 30, 2008
I've lost track of how many years I've been writing
about the people and events in Genoa City. It was at
least twenty years ago that I first slapped the
nickname "cow" on Nikki Newman and it had nothing to
do with her weight as back then she was much lighter
than she is now.
In the April 1994 edition of the now defunct Genoa
City News home edition, lots of characters were
named after barnyard animals. Some after creatures
in the sea, like Katherine Chancellor. Because of
the way she used to wave her red fingernails around
in the air, Katherine's nickname was the lobster
lady.
Nathan Hastings was the "skunk man", baby Colleen
Carlton was a "pet rock", Dru Winters' father,
Walter Barber, was a "weasel" and Ashley Abbott a
"boar" just to name a few. Those living on, or
connected to, the Newman Ponderosa were more likely
to have barnyard names as Victor Newman was the
resident bull, Nikki his favorite cow, who he
literally and figuratively screwed, and their piglet
children Nick and Victoria Newman.
I mention all this because there's some concern that
by calling Nikki a cow, an old cow at that, I'm
disparaging persons with weight problems. Not so.
Anyone who knows me, and many of you do, know I
don't give a, um, rat's ass about your personal
appearance, sexual affiliation, or color of your
skin. To me, Nikki is nothing more than a fictional
character on a poor written soap opera. If she's
constantly mooing like a cow, she's a cow. If food
isn't her friend right now, she's a fat cow.
Since we're on the subject of sticks and stones,
shouldn't someone be stoning Lauren Baldwin? Not
because she didn't register Eden Baldwin at Genoa
City High School, and the school didn't have a major
fit because Eden had no previous school record and
wouldn't have raised all kinds of red flags because
this is what government agencies do, but because the
first lesson in life Eden received this week was on
the fine art of bribery.
To justify her outrageous behavior as a guardian,
learning that Eden didn't know how to go to school,
had never attended school, and assuming the child
would face ridicule because word is all over the
Internet and TV about Eden's murdering, bomb
blowing, criminal daddy Lowell Baldwin, Lauren
called it teen politics. If the other school kids
gave Eden any crap she was to offer them a 10%
discount at Fenmore's Department Store. Once word
got out that they could save ten cents on the
dollar, kids would be standing in line to become
Eden's friend and before long Eden would have more
friends than she'd know what to do with.
You are no doubt aware that teens love nothing more
than shopping at Fenmore's which is nothing more
than an expensive Wal-Mart. Presumably, if it's
still open, the discount can also be taken at
Lauren's spin off store, the Little Shop or Horrors.
Armed with a get out of ridicule free card, Eden
proclaimed Lauren "cool", made a deal whereas she
won't have to ride the bus like the less fortunate
kids do, won't have to carry a backpack and be
dropped off near the school as opposed to having the
Baldwin Hundai stop in front of the school, Eden's
not knowing how to go to school magically
disappeared.
Okay, so it didn't take much more than an hour
before Eden cut school, but let's examine what there
is to know about going to school.
Get up at an ungodly hour, pee, take a crap, put on
clothes, eat something with maple syrup on it, brush
teeth, wait for parents/guardians to call the limo
around, get in limo, get out of limo and walk into
school. Pretty simple, no? Ah, but it was such a
horror for Lauren. The poor thing had never gone to
school before and the State of California had no
clue.
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