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by Brent Kellogg
Continued from
previous page...
In a way, Nick Newman was having the same problem.
As sole owner of Useless Style Magazine, Nick must
undo the damage former co-owner Jack Abbott did.
Nick must write a flowery article about the dead
Sabrina Newman not just to appease his deep-pocketed
daddy, but because advertisers are calling! Not
interested in whether their ad investments pay off,
sponsors are concerned about magazine content!
This is a time of optimism and change! This is a
time of true, red-blooded American mavericks, of hot
Wisconsin redneck babes and giant phallic guns and
military fetishism and zero birth control, of teen
pregnancy and God and freshly slaughtered snake on
the dinner table! Nick better stay the course, or
he'll have an ad-less magazine.
And what does the smartest of publishers do within
hours of buying his partners out? He allows one of
the former partners to poke her nose around the
magazine. Sharon Abbott can do this because she's
the mother of Nick's son and must coddle the
fifteen-year-old Noah Newman who can't pee without
mommy holding his wee-wee. Nor can Nick scold Sharon
without Noah stepping in to warn daddy to back off,
and like the pussy-whipped fool he is, Nick backs
off. He apparently followed Sharon and Noah home for
the purpose nobody seems to know except that Noah
may have needed tucking in.
In a related development, how ironic that within
hours of some hippies appearing at the Jitter Joint,
head hipster Lowell Baldwin would blow into town and
Michael Baldwin would tell half-wit half-brother
Kevin Fisher that a "river runs through Genoa City"
because Lowell's nickname is River? For someone who
so despises his daddy, why is Michael referring to
Lowell this way? Because it's hip? A cute cliché?
Furthermore, with his slutish wife once so worried
that something might happen to their precious baby,
how is it that Michael couldn't call security to
have Lowell tossed out of his apartment? Why would
Michael leave Lowell there alone to paw through his
personal belongings and maybe try out Lauren
Baldwin's magic Hitachi? For what reason did Lauren
take the baby and leave town? To visit mama Fenmore?
When did those two start getting along so well? A
trip to Canada to see son Scotty Grainger would have
made more sense except that nothing in Genoa City
makes sense. That Gloria Bardwell still has a key to
Michael's apartment doesn't make sense. That Kevin
would be quick to tell step-daddy Jeff Bardwell that
Lowell is in town doesn't make sense.
Shall we go on?
Can you believe that the radio show Love Line would
be so widely listened to? Doesn't it make sense that
Jitter Joint matron Jana Fisher would be listening
to the show while she's on the job? No wonder the JJ
isn't turning a profit. How about the fact that
while painting Daniel would be listening to such a
show. Oops, almost forgot. Deep down, a
twenty-year-old boy like Daniel wouldn't be
listening to the local rap station, he'd be tuned
into an idiotic, called by confused lovers and
wannabe fornicators, love line at just the time his
current/former lover was calling in to rehash a
previous call made weeks ago.
It would happen too that Colleen would have heard
the call while she was at work and be able to leave
Jana and Kevin alone to run the JJ because there are
other imaginary employees standing by to cover those
who have urgent sexual desires such that Colleen
did. You see? There's nothing slimier than an ugly
bitch throwing herself at eunuchs who live deep in
the Catacombs of Agony just beneath Genoa City.
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