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by Brent Kellogg
July 18, 2008

Still laughing from Jack Abbott's assertion that he's a "journalist" and that the First Amendment protects his right to publish lies without fear of being sued, or that J.T. Hellstrom had to rush off to check the alarm system at Indigo where that sings awful kid is allowed to fraternize with customers and howls songs like "I sing because I'm happy and free" and does it mostly to keep Devon Hamilton creaming his BVDs?

We best get over it because more laughs are ahead. Departing slightly from this column's format, because today is Friday, I'm looking to start the weekend early, and there's a great special GCN column today penned by one Professor Gerbil, in the event you haven't heard, get a load of these funny tid bits. Why, you might think they were written by Chuckles the Clown. Or maybe Chucky 3.

Concluding this week's Edge Of Your Seat Drama theme, Sabrina Newman is about to die. The actress who plays Sabrina is reported to have thought she had an iron-clad three-year contract, but those of us who have been around the Y&R block a few times know there's no such thing as iron-clad.

Those of us who read Todd Brown's Viewpoint will know that Todd is convinced Eric Braeden (Victor Newman) runs the show and like in Genoa City, what Victor wants, Eric usually gets. Braeden apparently didn't like that Victor rushed into another marriage, but had come to accept it when Sabrina's fate was announced. That she came and went so fast seems to have been based on piss-poor ratings, and that Sabrina was hogging the lime light. With summer a time when young teens tune in to get their it's okay to drink and drive, have sex without consequence and other lessons on immorality, Sabrina should have been seen less, and whiny, fingernails on a blackboard-voiced teenagers, more.

I saw another report where viewer complaints were at the root of Sabrina's demise. As we old-timers know so well, whatever we want, when we bitch that Victor shouldn't be with such and such woman, the powers that be bow to our every demand. This would mean too there were WMDs in Iraq and the price of gasoline is going back to $1 per gallon.

How does Sabrina die?

There's speculation that during the Charity Ball something awful will be revealed about Sabrina which may explain why she's been sniveling the past few days about not being strong. Upset over whatever is said, while Sabrina is tooling down the highway in her car, the one we never saw her purchase, something tragic will happen. In the time it takes for the sound of a car wreck to pass, two lives will be snuffed out.

Those problems solved, let's move to the next one named David Chow who Mrs. Chow will discover on Monday is really Angelo Serafino. Someone call the realtor! Looks like Nikki won't be needing that new home after all. Thanks only to the most clueless PI in all of Genoa City, Paul Williams has uncovered David's real name, he'll tell Nikki, and she'll ask David what's up with that? Always able to explain away whatever lie he's caught in, David will be angered that of all the lies Nikki has bought before, she ain't buying this one. Angelo? Who the hell wants to be married to someone named Angelo?

With J.T. sniffing his ass for more what have you found out about David clues, thanks to his operatives in the field doing all the work, Paul will fart and out comes the news that Walter Palin is wanted by the FBI. Oh crap! What does that say about the FBI when it can't find Palin but Paul can and Walter's been hanging out right in the crime capitol of America?

As if we didn't know, Walter has - gasp! - mob connections! He's wanted for racketeering and murder. Paul "suspects" David has something shady going on with Walter. Duh, you think? Eventually, Paul will find a photo of Walter posing with Mr. Kim Chee and who is that in the background? Of course, it's David.

Not happy that when he's told Nikki a million times to stay away from him, that Nikki pulled him out of her ass will send David into revenge mode. He will easily obtain some liquid morphine and spike Nikki's ginger ale. Oh, the horror! The edge of your seat drama, Nikki will be rushed to the God Have Mercy Medical Center.

As of this writing, how David dies, and he will, isn't known. Sadly Nikki will live but not before this tragedy brings the family together again, it always does, and Victor, having just cut those two ungrateful brats out of his will, having told Nick Newman to pack up his crap and get off the Ponderosa, and take that bitch Phyllis with him, will reconsider and thus all that will remain is the question of how long it'll take before Nikki and Victor remarry. With a brand new estate sitting empty, perhaps Nikki will give it to Nick, or Victoria, and for once the rich kids can stop living in squalor. Without Sabrina to kick around, Victoria can go back to telling Nick and J.T. how she's sure Ma and Pa will get back together.

With the danger gone, you'll finally be able to get out and buy a new sofa. You'll need it for the next edge of your seat drama.

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Brent's coffee courtesy of Speeder & Earls, Burlington, VT.