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by Michael Kelly
August 17, 2008

Have you heard the latest about Useless Style Magazine? The Genoa City News has learned that Nick and Phyllis Newman, half of the Un-Fab Four responsible for inflicting the insipid faux fashion rag on humanity, will soon stab their partners Jack and Sharon Abbott in the back by covertly publishing a tell-all article exposing Mr. Abbott as a morally bankrupt control freak and Mrs. Abbott as a dopey, dependent, "whatever you say, dear" type of Stepford wife and yes-woman.

Ladies and germs, haven't you now read everything? Don't you just want to howl with laughter, roll your eyes and barf in a bucket simultaneously? In this reporter's not so humble opinion, Useless Style is such a debacle of epic proportion that all four of the pathetic pea-brains responsible for its creation should be whipped within an inch of their miserable lives and run out of town.

Isn't it bad enough that Useless Style's reputation is already in the toilet and that the Un-Fab Four are the laughingstock of the publishing business? Isn't it bad enough that USM has been nicknamed The Genoa City Tattler by those in the know since it's nothing more than a local tabloid and has about as much relevance to the fashion business as a gnat's bowel movement?

By stooping to Jack's level and publishing an Abbott bashing expose behind their partners' backs, the Newmans are making themselves look petty, immature and awfully stupid. It's so self-defeating.

"Waaaaaa! Jack re-wrote and published a mean article without our permission and made monkeys out of us. Waaaaa! It sold more copies than any magazine in the history of the world, caused a sensation throughout Wisconsin and kept the magazine from going under. Waaaaa! We were idiots for going into business with Jack in the first place because he screwed us over so many times over the years. Waaaaa! Jack's wife Sharon can't think for herself, she constantly kisses her husband's ass and she's also a big slut. Waaaaa! They're both such jerks. We hate working with them. Life is such a bitch. We got them back though, didn't we? We're so sneaky, self-righteous and hypocritical. Tee-hee!"

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